Mother's Day

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother."

-Abraham Lincoln

I've loved Lincoln's words about his mother from the first time I heard them--they rang so true to my own experience--and over the past few weeks I have thought of it more often and felt its message more deeply than usual. Maybe because it's Mother's Day season with cards and promotions everywhere, or because this is my first Mother's Day as a mom myself, or because this is the first time in seven months I'm not living under the same roof as my mom. I actually think all those things add into it, but the biggest reason is probably that my Mom has managed over the past twelve months to serve me and my family in even more invaluable and selfless ways than usual. If you know my mom at all, you know what an amazing feat that actually is. 

My mom is one of those people who has managed to transcend the selfish tendencies of human nature to feel just a little twinge of "I'd rather be..." when serving others. For a lot of people, it's subtle, almost inaudible. Most people choose to ignore it. But for my mom, she genuinely doesn't have it. There is no "I'd rather be..." when she's helping or serving someone, because that is what she'd rather be doing: serving. 

A while back, Fabio and I were trying to think of what to get her for her birthday. Fabio said, "What does she really really love?" I thought for a moment, listed a few things she likes, and Fabio stopped me. "No. Those are things she likes. What does she love?" We both sat silently for a few minutes, thinking. Finally, Fabio said quietly, "She loves to serve, doesn't she? That's what she loves." I nodded. It didn't particularly help us think of a gift for her, but it did leave us both with new love and respect (and aspirations to be more like her).

In the past twelve months, my Mom has (1) flown to Tucson to watch Fabio graduate, then almost single-handedly pack our things into boxes to move because I was pregnant and Fabio had surgery; (2) Drove with me to Utah while Fabio drove the Uhaul; (3) shopped with me and helped me make sure I had everything I needed for a new baby; (4) flown to Singapore to help me unpack and set up my house since then I was even more pregnant and Fabio was busy with a new job; (5) navigated Singapore with me, learned all the expat lessons the hard way with me, saw all the tourist spots with me, and went with me to every doctor's appointment; (6) waited all seventeen hours in the labor and delivery waiting room while I was in labor with Jonathan (they only let husbands in the delivery room); (7) helped care for Jonathan while I recovered from delivery and tried to cope with horrific mastitis; (8) took care of my home while I recovered from delivery and tried to cope with horrific mastitis (including washing Fabio's underwear); (9) canceled her flight back to Utah when I was admitted into the hospital; (10) completely took over care for Jonathan and the house while I was hospitalized, except for when she sat by my bedside in the ICU, stroking my hair and reading General Conference talks to me; (11) packed and cleaned my giant, gross surgery wound every day for almost three months; (12) flew with me to Utah to visit friends and family and again shopped, played and explored with me, and again took Jonathan most nights so I could get my rest and recover. I could go on, but those are the big ones. Not to mention the fact that she served in our church congregation here in Singapore and even helped clean the church on Saturday!

A friend of mine here in Singapore said to me, "I really think your mom is the most Christ-like person I have ever met." Well put. I feel the same way.

The most wonderful thing is, she has also managed to be the most humble and sweet person. There are no pretenses about her. She serves because she really loves people, not because she thinks it will make her look good or because she hopes people notice and thank her. She's funny, too. So funny. I can't count the number of times Fabio and I laughed so hard we didn't make sound while she stayed with us. She is a great travel companion because she's up for anything, and amazingly easy-going. I genuinely believe I had the best and happiest childhood possible, thanks in large part to her creativity, good-nature, thoughtfulness, and spontaneity.

Fabio has come to learn that no compliment he pays me means more to me than, "You're just like Renee in this way..." My mom is so much more than the woman who raised me. She is my role-model, my confidant, my hero, my sounding-board, my honest shopping pal, my walking-stick, at times my oh-so-reliable "personal assistant," my biggest fan, my most loyal friend. She's a fantastic Grandma, and Jonathan adores her. She taught me what it means to forgive, the value of goal-seeking, about what is important and what is simply not, about recognizing and following the promptings of the Holy Spirit, the value of religion, the value of people and ideas, the importance of service, and most important to me right now: how to be a mother.

I love my mom. Today more than most days, I miss my mom (Fabio can tell you that's really saying something).  I want to be just the kind of mom she was and is. After all, "all that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother."

Six Months

Dear Jonathan,

Last week, on May 3, you turned six months old in the sky somewhere between Portland, Oregon and Narita, Japan. Everyone warned me that the time would pass by all-too-quickly, and I believed them and have done my best to savor every minute. Even so, they were more right than I could have imagined.

You are the sweetest little boy, and as you learn to communicate more and more effectively, we grow to appreciate and understand just how sweet you really are. You have the most contagious laugh and charming smile, although you like to make people earn both. You are calm and easy-going, with the happiest disposition (except when you're hungry, more on that later). You fall asleep anywhere as long as you are in my arms and you never complain as I take you in tow all around the world. You try to be happy when someone talks to you no matter how sad you really are. You worry about other babies when you hear them cry, even if you can't see them. You sleep well at night, play well during the day, and it seems that no crisis or problem is bad enough that a long hug with Mommy can't fix it.

You love food. You watch carefully as Grandpa eats his steak or Daddy eats his hamburger. You take glasses or water bottles out of my hands while I'm drinking them and put them to your own mouth to take a drink. You actually drink from a water bottle or cup really well, and you think you are way too grown up for sippy cups. The saddest I ever see you is when you watch me make you a bottle and then think I'm not going to give it to you because I put it down to wash a dish first... total heartbreak, more sad than when you got your immunizations. When you started eating solids a couple months ago, it was a spectacular revelation to you and now you want to try everything. You love carrots, mangos, cereal, and applesauce. You want to eat my salads, sandwiches, tortilla chips, and stir-frys so desperately. As soon as you can eat them, I will be happy to share!

Your favorite toys right now are: a little plastic yellow car with buttons that make car sounds; bright-colored plastic chain links that you chew on, pull off of things, drop into things, and throw around; a plastic shark baby toothbrush/teether named Sharkie; and most of all, your Curious George book. You love books and being read to in general, but you smile from ear to ear and gasp with delight when we get Curious George out to read with you. That being said, your absolute favorite toy is your thumb. You love to suck your thumb. Your favorite shows to watch on YouTube are Sesame Street's Will I Am "What I Am," "Elmo's Song," and "1234" by Feist. You think anytime Grandma gets out her IPad she will play your shows for you, and you're usually right. You love music of any kind, especially classical music. You're content to "play" our piano for a very long time, and you love to look at sheet music or books of music.

You love to be outside, especially swimming or looking at trees. You can play in the swimming pool for hours, literally. You love your bath time too, and always have. You love for me to sing to you, and for us to play on the floor together. You sit up by yourself really well, and you can stand with some help for a long time. You've had no use for tummy time until last week when you saw your friend, Sage, crawling and now you are on a mission to do it yourself. We can already tell that you are very tenacious.

Most of all, you love your family. You get a giant smile on your face when Daddy comes home from work, and you seem to never tire of cuddling and playing with me all day. It's a good thing, too, because I never get tired of it either!

You are amazingly brave when you receive your shots, even the Doctor was surprised by how hard you tried to not cry and how quickly you got over it. You got that from your Grandma. You're very tall and you love being around people, just like your dad, but your facial expressions (especially your smile) are from Grandpa and me and no one else.

I love you so much, Baby Bear. You have brought me more joy than I could ever put into words, and I'm so grateful Heavenly Father sent you to me.

Best Friends Forever,
Mommy

Vovó

 During our time in the U.S., Jonathan was finally able to meet his Vovo (Portuguese for grandma), Janilce. She was sweet enough to agree to come to Utah for the visit to save us from another six hours of flying. We picked her up at the airport in the middle of the night so Jonathan was pretty tired, but it was still a fun reunion for me and introduction for the two of them.

It worked out nicely that Fabio's brother, Fernando, graduated from LDS Business College the same weekend in Salt Lake City. When Fernando met J, he rubbed his head exactly like Fabio does. Brothers! Jonathan looked at him kind of confused, and then gave him a great big smile. Jonathan, Janilce and I went to the ceremony, but Jonathan was done after the fifth speaker and fourth musical number (let's be honest, so was I) so we watched Fernando walk and headed home for a nap. Even though we left early, we're so proud of Uncle Fernando!

The visit was too short, but it was certainly sweet. I'm so happy Janilce and Fernando were able to finally meet Jonathan. We love and miss you both!

I Like to be in America

I'm visiting the United States for several weeks this month.

When Fabio and I decided to move to Singapore, I knew I would miss my family and friends a lot. I thought I would probably miss good Mexican food and maybe even an item or two I wouldn't be able to find outside the U.S. I had no idea I would miss Target, driving myself wherever I wanted, whole wheat bread, outlet malls, ordering things online, Costco, and affordable Cheerios.

It's hard to explain the emotions associated with returning to the United States after living away for awhile, so I won't try. I feel so patriotic, but not in the ways one would expect. I haven't found myself in awe and wonder over the Primary Elections, the free press, or the peaceful protests. It's the very little things that overwhelm me and make me so grateful to be from the Purple Mountain's Majesty; and then in a very subtle, secondary way, grateful for the system that protects those little things that make America different and special.

My first full-day back we stopped at Walmart to pick up some essentials. My jaw dropped as we walked in. I've been to Walmart plenty of times before, but this time it was different. I had something to compare it to. More than 20 kinds of mascara, an entire aisle for breakfast cereal, two kinds of sugar-free cranberry juice, baby formula for less than half what I pay in Singapore, cheese for pennies on the dollar, and the list goes on.

As I picked up an enormous box of Cheerios, I noticed the price: $3.50. I started to cry. I was so overwhelmed by the abundance that has come to be synonymous with the United States. It wasn't just that there was so much available--so much was affordable. There I stood in the cereal aisle in Walmart, holding a box of Cheerios, with tears streaming down my cheeks. I finally appreciated what I'd always had growing up. I felt so patriotic in the checkout line when a basket full of diapers, a high chair, a baby tub, formula, cereal, fresh produce (including berries), cookies, cheese, and who-knows-what-else came out to less than $150.

Sure, there are shootings, stifling pollution, bazaar political stale-mates, and other aspects of American life that are less-than-ideal. But the other day I drove to the grocery store on my way home from an outlet mall (where there were clothes I liked that fit right), found everything I wanted (and then some) in wide aisles, and paid less than $4 for a gallon of organic milk. There's a lot to be said for that.

God Bless the U.S.A.!

Dear Student Loans, I Will Not Miss You

Debt makes me physically ill with a pit in my stomach. I owed one of my roommates $30 for a week and lost sleep over it. I hate owing people money. So you can imagine how I felt when I took out my first student loan as a graduate student. I had managed to evade them until then, thanks to the help of gifts and scholarships I accepted gratefully. But out-of-state graduate tuition outpaced my part-time earning potential, so I took a deep breath and clicked ONE BUTTON on my online account to agree to borrow thousands of dollars. (The ease of the process also troubled me, but that's another post for another day.) I cried a little, and Fabio assured me we would pay it back very soon.

As soon as I graduated I started making the monthly payments trying to chip away at the loan slowly, but in vain. For almost two years the principle barely budged despite my measly--yet regular--offerings. Until finally last week two very exciting things happened: (1) the hospital returned our deposit after our insurance paid for my medical bills in full, and (2) we used the deposit and our savings to pay off my student loans in their entirety.

I thought the occasion merited an IPhone picture.

I should look more enthusiastic, considering how excited I actually was, 

but I had just finished a long bounce session with J.

And just like that--somehow between our morning walk, Jonathan's nap, and answering e-mails--I became debt free, this time with the click of two or three buttons online. Fabio came through on his promise to pay my loans back "very soon." I genuinely felt as though my steps were lighter that day, and it definitely ranks among the best days of my adult life. Phew!

Now on to Fabio's loans...

Kuala Lumpur

Three weeks ago Fabio mentioned to me in passing that his Spring Recess was coming up and that we should plan a trip. Excited, I asked when it was exactly. February 29 to March 4. Okay, so in two weeks? Yep. I looked all over for vacation deals, but nothing was coming together with flights on such short notice.

You know what doesn't get more expensive last minute? Bus tickets. So we packed our bags and our four-month-old into a taxi and then to the bus station to catch a "luxury coach" to Kuala Lumpur. Six hours later we were in the "Garden City of Lights." It was definitely a riskier travel strategy, but it worked out really well. There were only a few moments where I thought, "What am I doing?!?" Not the least of which was when we were finally in KL and the bus just stopped in the middle of a random street that was under construction and the driver announced we had arrived. We awkwardly unloaded everything onto the sidewalk at 10:30 pm with absolutely no idea where we were. Fortunately Fabio is 6'7" and has lived in a developing country, so he grabbed us a taxi, negotiated the price down, and we were at our hotel in no time. We stayed at the Marriott, so thankfully we didn't have any surprises there (we aren't completely crazy, you know).

As last minute and ad hoc as it was, the trip was absolutely fantastic. (After all, with Fabio anything is fun--especially when it's last minute and ad hoc!) I can't even begin to describe it, but here are six moments I hope I never forget:

1. Watching the mist rise off palm plantations as far as the eye could see. We rode a double-decker bus on the way there, and we made sure we got the four front seats on the top deck. It was like riding a roller-coaster through the Malaysian Peninsula! Jonathan's mind was blown, which was so funny to watch. The views really were amazing, and completely worth the trouble of taking the bus.

Best seats on the bus!

2. Monkeys--oh, the monkeys! I'll just apologize in advance for all the pictures of this one, but I can't help myself. The world's friendliest wild monkeys may live in Kuala Selangor (a more rural area in Malaysia). Three or four clans of silver-leafed monkeys live on a hill near the coast, and they love humans. They climbed all over my mom and me while Fabio magnified his paternal protective duties and kept them far away from Jonathan (something about diseases, I guess). We brought fifteen Ringgits worth of green beans and so the monkeys especially loved us! It was incredibly fun, but it was more than fun. At one point I looked down at one of the monkeys and I reached out my pointer finger to him. We made eye contact, he grabbed my finger with his hand, and swung onto my shoulder with only that one finger for support. I fed him some beans, and he stayed on my shoulder for quite a while as I walked around feeding his friends. There was something profound about being so personally connected to the wild for just a moment, it was almost as though time slowed down a little. Definitely a lifetime highlight, to say the least (even if Fabio made me turn my shirt inside out and practically shower in Purell before I held Jonathan again).

3. The river cruise. After the monkeys we stopped at a little restaurant by the river to have some of the most perfectly cooked vegetables I have ever had. Then we waited for our river cruise to see the world's largest concentration of fireflies that live just a few km further down stream.

Then it started to rain. Please understand that when I say rain, I mean Southeast Asia rain--which unless you have lived here you cannot comprehend its intensity. I am not exaggerating when I say buckets-full fall in a matter of minutes. It rained and rained and rained and I could watch the water level rise. It slowed down a little bit, and our really nice boat driver (I'm not sure he should be called a captain) suited us up in our life jackets and loaded us up on the boat. As he pulled away from the dock, the rain started to pour again. I thought about asking the driver to go back, but I was pretty sure he wouldn't understand me and the last thing I wanted to do was distract him. This was definitely another one of those "What are we doing?!?" moments on the trip. Thankfully the boat was covered otherwise I'm sure she would have taken on too much water. The best part is that the fireflies don't come out in the rain. We still saw way more than I've ever seen before, but nothing like what they apparently usually are. All we could do was laugh and laugh--it was just too crazy to do anything else!

As it started to rain on the boat we took a picture for posterity, just in case. 

Thankfully Jonathan was sound asleep through most of it.

4. The dizzying view from the 86th-floor observation deck of the Petronas Towers. Fabio has a affinity for tall things, and so of course we had to make time to see the fifth tallest building in the world. I have to admit, the idea of seeing something just for its virtue of being tall seemed kind of silly, but these buildings were incredible. Fabio's excitement was entertainment enough, but the views were spectacular and the towers themselves were beautiful. I stand corrected.

A life dream fulfilled--he finally met the "Fabio of buildings"

(very tall, but not the tallest)

5. How grateful I felt when I saw rows and rows of homes made of plastic scraps and pieces of corrugated metal. It felt wrong to take a picture, so no visual for this one. As we drove out of KL and into the countryside I felt a wave of gratitude for what we have here in Singapore. I was so ashamed for thinking my life was hard because I have cockroaches in my drains, geckos in my kitchen, and white tile floors that are impossible to get clean. Our apartment is fantastic. It has air-conditioning, and plumbing, and hot water (sort of), and electricity, and windows, and doors, and a sound roof just to get started. Sure it's a pain to take a taxi to the grocery store and hope they have what I want, but I can take a taxi to the grocery store and buy whatever I want! I promised myself that I wouldn't just be more grateful when we got home, but more generous too--because we are too blessed for words.

6. Malaysian Baby Star. Everywhere we went, people were CRAZY for Jonathan. Men, women, teenagers, children, locals, tourists, it didn't make any difference. They all loved J. There aren't a lot of Westerners in KL like there are in Singapore, and a white baby was a true novelty. People would stare at him from across restaurants, play with him in lines, stop us in the malls, markets, even the bathrooms! When they realized he had blue eyes they would squeal with delight and call their friends to come see. I stopped counting at 15, but I think if we had a dollar for every person who took their picture with him we could have paid for Jonathan's portion of the trip.

Just two of the dozens of random strangers who approached us out of the blue 

with their cameras asking us to take their picture with Jonathan.

(I think these men said they were from Saudi Arabia.)

I'm probably biased, but with peepers like these who can blame them?

All in all, I was definitely bit by the travel bug while we were there. I'm already searching for travel deals to our next adventure in hopes that some planning ahead will make for an even better trip (if that's possible)!

That Magical Moment Right Before Bedtime...

Realizing I'll probably say it a hundred times more before he goes to college, I'll just start now: Jonathan is at such a fun stage right now. He's starting to understand how much we love him and our genuine concern for his well-being. The way he looks at us is full of trust and assurance that his needs are important to us. 

He woke up from his nap today with a stuffy nose. As he struggled to breath he looked at me and his expression pled, "Fix it! Fix it, please!" I laid him on the changing table and got out the weird nose-sucker-gadget he so passionately hates. He looked at it, looked at me, looked at it, and looked at me again. He put his little hand around my finger as I put the opening to his nose and sucked. He didn't cry, he just squeezed my hand until it was over, looking at me so intently. I was startled to find my eyes becoming a little misty during such a simple chore--I was so touched by how explicitly he trusted me.

It is so fun to see him smile in the morning when he wakes up and sees us. It usually takes him ten minutes or more to realize he's hungry because he just wants to play and snuggle. He's also responding more and more to teasing, and smiling when he sees his favorite toys. But nothing delights him (and us, let's be honest) more than silly games with Mommy and tickles from Daddy. It's quite the ego boost to have someone think you are so perfectly clever! 

One of the best times of day is right after Jonathan's last bottle and right before we put him in the tub. Somehow the stars align so that everyone is fed and at home but no one is tired yet. It was during these perfect twenty minutes tonight that we found Fabio's whiskers to be the perfect length--not too soft, but not too prickly--much to Jonathan's delight.

And now as he lays next to me asleep, somehow taking the lion's share of our California King bed, I can't help but think how happy I am that Jonathan knows he is loved. This really is a fun stage.